Human Resource Jokes

After 2 years of   SELFLESS SERVICES   A MAN REALIZED THAT HE HAS NOT BEEN   PROMOTED,   NO SALARY INCREASE ,   AND THE COMPANY IS NOT   DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT.     SO   ONE MORNING  HE DECIDED TO WALK UP TO HIS HR MANAGER .   After exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his problem. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying; My friend, you have not worked here for even ONE DAY. The man was surprised to hear this, but the Manager went on to explain. Manager : How many days are there in a year? Man : 365 days and some times 366   Manager : How many hours make up a day? Man : 24 hours   Manager : How long do you work in a day? Man : 8 am to 4 pm i.e. 8 hours a day.   Manager : So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours ? Man : (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3 (one third)   Manager : That is nice of you ! What is one-third of 366 days? Man : 122 (1/3x366 = 122 days)   Manager : Do you come to work on weekends? Man : No Sir   Manager : How many days are there in a year that are weekends? Man : 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days   Manager : Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have? Man : 18 days. Manager : OK ! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining? Man : 4 days   Manager : Do you work on New Year day? Man : No Sir   Manager : Do you come to work on workers day? Man : No Sir   Manager : So how many days are left? Man : 2 days Sir   Manager : Do you come to work on the (National holiday )? Man : No Sir   Manager : So how many days are left? Man : 1 day Sir   Manager : Do you work on Christmas day? Man - No Sir   Manager : So how many days are left? Man : None Sir Manager : So, what are you claiming? Man : I have understood, Sir. I did not realize that I was stealing Company money all these days.   MORAL : NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP   HR = HIGH RISK

DENTIST

The man said to the dentist, 'Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.'

So the dentist asked him, 'Which tooth is it sir?'

The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your mouth, Honey, and show him.' 

STAY WITH SISTER

 One couple is discussing about their past, present and future.
 
 The husband asks his wife: "If I die, with whom you will stay?"
 
 Wife replied with sad mood: "With my sister".
 
 Then Wife also asked to Husband: "With whom you will stay if I died?"
 
 Husband replied: "I will stay with your sister too."

Infatuation Vs Love

Infatuation is the initial, instant attraction and intense desire for a person of the opposite sex. Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It takes root, develops and grows one day at a time. The process is slow. **************** Infatuation lacks confidence. When he/she is away you wonder if he/she is cheating you. Sometimes you check perhaps even discreetly. Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. Your beloved feels the same also and this makes both even more trustworthy. **************** Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions or some unclear actions about your beloved that you would not like to examine too closely. It might spoil the dream. Love is quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his/her presence even when he/she is away. Miles of distance do not separate you. You want him/her nearer, but near or far, you know he/she is yours and you can wait.

THE WISDOM OF AN OLDER WIFE

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch, black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." 

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. 

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.